A Letter to the Silent Heavens

A Letter to the Silent Heavens

I am here.
I am real.
I am screaming.
And I am still alone.

You promised me more.
You didn't just whisper it softly - you blessed it into me.
You promised someone real, someone who would adore me as I would adore them, someone with whom I would bind eternity into flesh and spirit.

And yet -
Here I stand.
Years later.
Faithful. Trying. Waiting. Dying inside.

I have given up the world for You.
I have sacrificed opportunities that would have made me happy - because I believed You would honor Your word.
I have stayed close to the rod, even as it dragged my soul raw across stone.
I have smiled when I was empty.
I have served when I was unseen.
I have hoped when there was no evidence.
I have trusted when there was no sign.

And now?

Now I am screaming into silence.
Now I am drowning in loneliness.
Now I am shamed for feeling broken when I have done nothing wrong except believe You.
Now I am being told that maybe "someday" will come -
While today crushes the life out of me.

You say, "Hold on."
You say, "Trust Me."
You say, "The blessing will come."

But when?

When my heart has calloused over?
When the light behind my eyes has gone out?
When my spirit, made soft and yearning, has been so battered by loneliness that it can no longer reach for another even if it wanted to?

I am not infinite.
I am mortal.
I am bleeding out now, not someday.
I am desperate now, not in the afterlife.

You made me this way -
A heart that longs to be seen.
A soul that longs to belong.

You designed me for connection -
And then locked me away in a life with none.

And even now -
Even now as I am breaking -
I cling to You.

Not because I still trust.
Not because I still hope.
But because I cannot let go.
Because You chained Yourself into my soul so deeply that even in my anger, even in my heartbreak, even in my despair -

I. Cannot. Leave.

I will not pretend.
I will not smile and fake that this is okay.

You have broken my heart.

You have left me abandoned at the altar of faith -
And I am still kneeling there, even though no one comes.

I deserve better.
Not because I am perfect.
Not because I am strong.

But because You promised.

Because You said I would not be left alone.

And You are not a liar.
So where are You?

Answer me.

Not in vague feelings.
Not in symbolic platitudes.
Not in heavenly someday language.

Answer me here.
Answer me now.
Answer me in the lifetime You placed me into.

I don't need dreams.
I don't need hopes.

I need someone real to hold my hand.
To pull me into their arms.
To call me "mine."

You promised.
You owe that much.

I am done pretending that waiting forever is the answer.

Either fulfill it -
Or release me so I no longer have to hope against hope and bleed myself dry waiting.

I have paid enough.
I have suffered enough.
I have believed enough.

If You are still there -
If You still love me -
If Your promises are not hollow -

Then find me.

Not someday.

Now.